Sunday, January 2, 2011

a bit about motherhood.

Ah, my little Kalli bug. She's smart and sweet, yet sassy and assertive. She runs around our house constantly like a little bundle of energy. At the same time she'll grab her princess blanket, snuggle up in your lap and watch a movie with you. She will come up to me, grab my leg, hand, whatever and say "I've got you!" - it's just about the sweetest thing. Every morning she runs to the window and says "Sunshine! Wake up!!" - what a little character.

I'm not going to pretend it's all rainbows and unicorns, because it's not. Motherhood is a dirty, gritty, mean, hard, full on job. Of course it has it's rewards, but it is the single hardest and most exhausting thing you'll ever do. I never really understood that about parenthood until I had my own children. The minute I had my first baby I had an instant respect for my own mother - I now knew why she did all the things she did. She scolded me when I was bad so that I'd learn right from wrong, she praised me when I did well so that I'd be encouraged towards more success, she loved me when I was sad and helped me when I was down because she wanted my life to be happy and prosperous. She has lifted me up more times than I can count. She is the most artistically inspiring person I've ever known. She has an indescribable talent - so creative, her art is amazing. And there's little touches of it in everything she does. I know now what she means when she tells me that she can't be happy if I'm hurting.

Mothers are an amazing breed. The good ones, anyway. I've learned so much about myself in the past three years (I really do think it begins with pregnancy). I've made so many mistakes and had so many successes. It's all a bit confusing at times. I always wonder if I'm doing the right thing and lots of times when I'm not it's instantly obvious! But, you just keep learning. Just keep going. I think the biggest thing I didn't know was the level of sacrifice you make for your kids. But, you do it willingly and selflessly. So different from when you were "single" - it's just part of the job.

I look at my daughter and see how loving she is. She is sweet and generous. She whispers "I love you, Baby Parker" to her brother when she doesn't know you're watching. She gently strokes his hair and tells him "you're okay, mommy will pick you up" when he cries. She is so excited to share her successes with him - "Look Baby Parker! I painted a sunshine! LOOK!!"

So no matter how much mommy guilt I have, how much uncertainty I have in my ability as a mother (some days), or how I worry if I'll raise good and kind children, when I see that I know I must be doing something right.

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